lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
