my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
