if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
