R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I have fence marks all over my body
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
