Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
