Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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