Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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