smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think my vagina is haunted
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
