i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
