ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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