He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
