Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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