Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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