Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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