Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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