Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
