That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
