make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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