You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize