The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
