Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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