My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
