I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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