In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
