If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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