No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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