So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
