Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
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