i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
