oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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