no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
