Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
