On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
