I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
