Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
