I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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