GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
