I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I would fuck him just for his dog
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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