Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
