i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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