Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
