based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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