just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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