her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
