oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
