I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
