What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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