I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
