ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
This baby is an asshole
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
