On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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