Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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