Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize