My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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