i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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