I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize