turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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