God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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