I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
