I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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