"it" just moved
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
