my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
