You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
