I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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